Don't Resist The Direction
Aug 15th, 2008I dwell on my hand. The double love-line in particular. I know who they are, the shining beacons in my empty life.
I spent my youth collecting knowledge, looking for love, seeking understanding while they planned and scrimped and saved and followed. I have my freedom and my ideals, but they have a future and a family. I know better, but what is my knowledge without actualization? What is freedom without hope? What are ideals without a child to teach them to?
My eyes are... I don't know how to say it... There's a lump in my throat, but its behind my eyes.
I find hope in small things. My horoscope for yesterday was -
"Don't resist the direction you are being pulled toward. It is important to experience people, places and things if you want to make improvements. An old partner or friend will want to reestablish a position in your life."
The direction in my life...
Jaden sent me a message yesterday. The first time in a very long time... Partner from my past...
WHat is the direction in my life? I am afraid of it. I know it in my heart of hearts. I've been serious about startign a shop, a head shop in Shanghai, making some money, having some financial stability.
And the reason is what scares me, the reason is love. Like a sad little boy, I'm dreaming of the perfect woman and our life together. Creating a home and a small paradise for us to live in domestic bliss. I have fought against this cliche for so long that I'm afraid to change. I'm afraid she won't love what I become. I'm afraid I won't love what I become...
I know s he's worth it. I am inspired to change and a part of me has accepted it for it is reasonable and romantic. Another condolence is my hand.
I dwell on my hand alot these days, especially the double love-line. I know who they are. They are the shining beacons in my empty life. Are they the demon sirens in my black sea or are they the warrior angels in my pit of lions?
Don't resist the direction...
Help me, mama... Save me, baby
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