May is Charlie
February 19th, 2008To anyone who has been paying attention to the comments, May is Charlie. She has been reading these days. I thought she might. She has moments of weakness, sometimes long moments. She has been, in her own way, kind. I can't say she hasn't changed at all. Her philopsophies have changed and radically, it's her habits that remain the same... and even those are slowly changing. Though I can't be hers in the way that I once was, a main reason being I believe my presence and support enabled her to stagnate, and though my heart aches and my ability to trust has been ripped out, I truly wish her luck and I support her in her endeavor to change should she truly try to. I ask that you do the same. I know all this sounds horribly patronizing, arrogant, and flip-floppy, but it's not. It's meant to be sincere and genuine. With the note that I am prone to hyperbole, I mean every word I write now, just as I meant every word I wrote before.
My reasons for the good will:
- Whether she properly knows how to or not, whether its a side-effect of her own selfishness or not, she has been with me a long time and shown me great acts of love
- Selfish and stupid as it sounds, she is one of the few people who has power to give my faith back to me...
- She loves my family. She felt that time spent with them was one of the best times in her life. She and they deserve to have that known between them and I absolutely believe it to be true. After all, I have a great family
- Mama told me black and white is not good, which means no one is all evil, which is absolutley true
- Lastly, I do love her, and always will. My heart will always have a piece missing as will my life without her. My bane, the beast of shanghai.
Yes, maybe her words are meant to manipulate and she doesnt even know it, but she still hurts, and water comes out of her eyes, and yet she still writes them, the kind and humble words as an anonymous party. She takes her time to make things right, but eventually, she almost more than at least half the time, does in the end make things right. And the percentage is going up all the time.
So many have called me stupid. Said not to be honest with people who hurt me, but that just seems counterproductive. If she was noone, I would agree, but she's not. For better or worse, she was mine.
I invite you to comment support or disdain. I do not know everything, and the words I'm saying now mean nothing more than meow to an animal. I remember a time when people who did things wrong were held accountable for their transgressions. This is how they grew, through shame and judgement. Nowadays, too many people just ignore problems or show a kind face, enabling idiots and assholes to be idiots and assholes for all eternity. It takes the village to raise an idiot. Constructive criticism can be harsh. Love can be tough. And without it today, you may be left with an idiot and an asshole. Don't get wishy-washy just cause she reads this. Don't hold back because you might crush my soul. For me and for Charlie, please fire away at us both.
By the way, if I disagree or don't respect you, I'll put you on my naughty list. Charlie, on the other hand, will make your life hell through very very complicated means that not even she will understand. Seriously, though, to those of you who know her, she does care how you feel. She stills cries, she still bleeds.
I hate you May
I love you Charlie
My brain hurts...
