The Beast of Shanghai
February 16th, 2008My x-girlfriend is possibly one of the worst human beings I've ever met. I know now what attracted her to me. She was so like my first girlfriend; careless, successful, and irresponsible. There are at least ten other words floating in my head that don't exist to describe her, and several dozen that I can't write here and keep this blog suitable for all audiences. But I will illustrate my point through satirical allegorical metaphor.
I fell on a knife... from a second story window, broke three ribs, my leg, and fractured my skull. She was busy and had to go somewhere, so she walked by and said, "I love you. I have to meet some people for dinner. I dont really like them, so it'll be short. I'll be back soon," and tossed me a band-aid as she headed out to the clubs for dancing with everyone else, and I do mean everyone.
After the next two hours of agonizing pain and internal bleeding leading to my painful death, I was... well... dead. She called me and said, "ok, I'm on my way out. Just wanted you to know."
As my dead body spit blood, I was able to breathe out the words, "What?! I've been waiting for two hours? You're just going out now?! eeeeeeuuhhh...." Eeeeeeuuhhh.... was the sound of my soul falling out of my mouth and rolling into the gutter due to the sudden disappearance of all faith in people and its being replaced by my utter disappointment of the world. I make this sound nightly... I should record it sometime...
She became angry, and said, "God, If you're just gonna act like that, I guess I shouldn't have called at all. Whatever. Anyway, I'm busy so I have to go. I left you a band-aid so you are ok now. Right? Byebye." (The "Right?" even almost sounded like a question as it blended into the "Byebye.")
Two and a half hours later, when I could barely see the asphault on which my face was planted because my eyes were drying out and rotting in my skull, she called again. I didnt pick up because I was dead and soulless. So she sent a message, "I'm leaving now, have a good night."
I didn't respond. Y'know, the whole no soul thing. She called several more times a few hours later, finally sent another message, "Where are you? I'm sorry you felt bad, are you dead or did you go out? I can't sleep now. Don't make me worry!"
If I thought for half a second she gave a rat's ass about me, I might have regained a bit of soul, but she oozes with false concern only when she doesn't want to feel guilty or be held responsible later. It's part of her do-as-little-for-people-as-possible-without-seeing-myself-as-a-monster philosophy. My soul couldn't justify filling her quota for the night. She'll find another way to fill it anyway.
I sent her a message, "My leg's broken, my ribs are cracked, and my brain is getting too much oxygen. Sorry I didn't pick up. I was resting. It would have been nice if you had helped me. But I know you don't care enough to, so just forget it. I'm dead, what's done is done, leave me alone. I'll do something else with my dead soulless body."
"Don't say I didn't care! I called you! I'm great and super! And I gave you a band-aid! Ok, have fun. Goodnight :)" she replied
It went on and on. This is no exaggeration. This is a girl who would look at you in disgust for being sick with a 104 degree fever for a week, who would answer the phone from another man's bed, "What?!" angry at you for bothering her, who would call you "a child" for wanting to spend time with her the last night before she went under the knife for surgery. And this is how she treats those she loves.
Why did I love her. I know now. I never gave up on my first girlfriend. I needed to know that these people who seemed careless and terrible were in fact salvagable, that they had souls too and that the world wasn't a bad place. I know better now. I know now that there is black and white, and that some people have no other purpose but to take and take and let others suffer. It isn't a place that is bad, it's the people.
Some of you might say this is harsh, but its true. What's really sad is my x knows this website, but never gave a shit about it in the two years we were together. She could have known me deeply, but never really cared. She'd rather shop online for handbags and boots. If she ever reads this, it'll be at least a month from now, maybe six. She'll continue to tell herself she cares and she's great and she loves me. I doubt she ever will... read this, I mean. I have no idea if she is capable of love.
