Utterly Alone

February 6th, 2008

   It's New Year's Eve here in Shanghai. It's about 9pm. I'm naked in bed, a little cold, watching old Stargate: SG-1 episodes on pirated DVD. There are fireworks of every color and variety exploding outside my seventh floor apartment window. And I am utterly alone.

   I woke up about an hour ago, saw several messages and a few missed calls on my cell phone. Friends, lovers, admirers... Mostly people I truly treasure, people who have been good to me in hard times, but few who I think understand me, and no one I truly feel I trust... It's not necessarily their failing, more likely mine. I am too, well, for lack of a better word, "fragile" to keep the ever-sunny disposition that some people manage to use to hide distrust and shield themselves from intelligence.

   The only call I answered was that of my ex. It's been kind of a crummy day. Silly people being silly, adults acting like children, alienating people.. alienating me. Some surprises from some, but the same old from others. "A group is controlled by its least healthy member." I find it more and more true the longer I persist in meeting new people.

   I haven't written about my ex here at all yet. Sadly, I haven't written here much at all over the last few years mainly due to her... She's put me through a lot of pain. I've put her through some hard times too. We lived together for the better part of a year, have found some insurmountable differences, and have decided to part.

   Its very difficult for me to write about these kinds of things because they are so close to my heart, so the juicy and the jesting is absent from this entry. But she did some good things today to try to fix a bad situation. It's too little and too late to save her and my romantic future together, but I wanted to give her kudos for her efforts and give her recognition for her change, especially in light of some of her influences. Monkey see, monkey do. Carrot, stick, and all that...

   Her mother deserves some recognition as well. 妈妈, you are a conundrum, a dilemma, and a paradox. Inconsistency tires me, but surprises tantalize me. I despise a person who takes advantage of those weaknesses.

Digression: It's more lonely than I thought, and not made better by the fact that in some ways it is my choice. I don't want to be alone... I want inspiration, support, and integrity... I will not settle... I am doomed to remain in the title of this entry...

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