Self-disentanglement
February 3rd , 2008Relationships are so bloody complicated. Social paralyzation appears to be the inevitable outcome of life, sooner or later. Whether it be the failure to move out of a bad relationship or the inability to try moving into another good one, the results are the same.
Actually, I'm playing this up a bit. I am ever the optimist, expecting that something good will happen tomorrow, or maybe the day after... actually, I'm sure something terrible will happen tomorrow and the day after, but things will clear up someday...
The problem with this is that the after-someday time is growing shorter and shorter. I'm by no means old, but I'm not so young anymore either. When my father was my age, he had been married ten years, had an eight-year-old son and a 3 year-old daughter.
Probably foolishly, I think I am ready for the kids, but finding a suitable pot of soil to plant them in, as it were, is not so easy. So here I sit, petrified, just coming out of yet another dissapointing episode in the life of Bob. I am not ready to move forward, but extremely fearful that I might slip back.
Uninteresting. It's the only word I think suits me. When anyone becomes a pattern, what is the point? I know I'm not so simple, but I am also painfully aware of how poeple appear to each other, and sadly, I am a person.
So the goal for now is simplicity. I don't know if this includes bliss, ignorance, or stupidity. I drank socially for the first time in quite awhile last night and found it easy to let the mind wander to simple things without guilt or fear. I'm not sure I like the feeling actually. It feels... irresponsible. It feels counterproductive... I am not an irresponsible man. I will not be a counterproductive bob.
